New Programming Orders

Okay, my lovelies, it's time for a reshaping of the Programming Operations of our newly private Band of Brothers...Well, and Sisters, too. Our Band of...Siblings, I guess.

Damn. Just doesn't have the same ring to it.

As you know, we own the company that provides the product that plays all of our songs, commercials, promos and adlets, blinks, winks, breathers and...What's that little commercial that's 0 seconds long, where no audio comes out, it's just the DJ thinking about the sponsor?

Oh yea, the thought. Boy, have those been successful, by the way. Can you believe it? We've got sponsors who are playing like a hundred dollars a spot for just having the friggin' DJ think about their product for like 10 seconds during a commercial break.

What idiots. Like having a DJ think about your product for 10 seconds is going to make listeners buy something. They'd have to think about it for at least a :60 to really have a chance for the brainwaves to travel out enough to be noticed.

Advertisers are such suckers.

Anyway, so we own this Profit company, which is really misnamed, because they ain't bringin' home the bacon, if you know what I mean. So, they're out. We're rebuilding that system.

I was reading an interesting article recently about the internets, which (and I didn't know this), is really just a complicated set of tubes, like the old department store thing where they put your money in a cylinder, which goes into a tube and it gets sucked all the way to the office. Well, we're determined to stay on the cutting edge of technology, so we're adopting that system. All of our stations will be connected to this series of tubes, and when a song is supposed to play, it'll be put in a tube in San Antonio, sucked to the station, say in Los Angeles, it comes out the other end, right into the player, and Ryan Seacrest pushes the button. PRESTO! The song plays. Well, in reality, the guy who pushes the button for Ryan will push the button, because that's his job, and Ryan doesn't know a button from his left elbow.

Now, you're probably thinking "how the hell are you going to send an mp3 down a sucking tube?"

Good question.

No, it's not, you moron. That's a TERRIBLE question. Where have you been the past year? Mp3s are so 2008 (and, well, 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, and most of 2002 for that matter). We're going to play everything from here on off a new technology that involves magnetic tape that is put in loops inside a cartridge that looks like an 8-track (which it isn't, by the way - that'd be so 1968, 1969,1970, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1974, 1975, 1976, 1977, 1978 and part of 1979). The new technology is called a CART, which is short for...Well, CART. Because if you have a lot of them, you have to haul them around on a CART.

So, some guy in San Antonio (probably Mark) will pick the song a station's going to play, put the CART into the TUBE and close the door. The cart travels through the tube to the station, and goes right into the CART MACHINE so dumbass Ryan doesn't even have to do that. His button-boy presses the button after he's done his "blah blah blah oh, you're so hot Paris Hilton," and "oh, Simon Cowell, you have the worst teeth in the world, blah blah blah."

The song plays, we get the ratings and life is good.

I know this is all new to you guys who don't spend your lives eating, breathing and burping technical stuff like Popular Electronics, but it's the future. Get with it, or get gone.

Hogan out.