Thursday, December 15, 2011

Happy Kwanzmas!

Ho Ho Hogan!

Hoag-Dog here, blasting the Happy Holidays at 'cha, BITCHES! 

HOLLA!

Man, I am still pumped from the fun we had at the first iHeartRadio Music Festival in Vegas last September. I'm not lyin'...Nicky Ménage and I kicked it hard, even though I had no idea who she was until my fourth Pink Squirrel at the bar that first night. I mean, I THOUGHT she was Kylie Minougue, but when she came in the room, I'm all...WHA??!!

Nice girl though. Very down to earth, not at all like that psycho-bitch Celine Dion, who we saw the next night. Celine and I had some drama a couple years back that, and I'm not going to lie to you here, almost made it to TV as the pilot for a reality TV show like "The Osbournes" or "Gene Simmons Family Ties" or whatever that show's called. Nothing sexual, mind you. Let's just say when Celine gets a little too much Drambuie in her, and Renee is off walking their little crap factory Poodle of theirs, that whole fake French accent falls away, and she's just Cindy Dutton, from Michigan City, Indiana.

Oh yea. Look it up on WickerPedia, BIATCH.

Of course, the iHRMF as its come to be known at the Radio Ranch, was supposed to be Bob Pittman's party, but really, he didn't do jack to organize it. I mean, I think we used his AMEX to put the deposit down on the rooms, but the heavy lifting was all me and my posse, and it was AWESOME. For a one-eyed guy, Boba Pitt (as we call him) is pretty cool. Wait a minute. You mean you didn't know that the dude only has one eye? True that...And here's the story:

Go to WickerPedia, and you'll see some bullshit about a horse kicking him when he was a kid. Yea, right. I think they stole that from Mad Men, where Don Draper's father gets killed by...A horse kicking him. Like horses really do that. What would the odds be that TWO people have been KILLED or had their eye whacked out by getting horse kicked? Come on.

There's also a pretty good story going around that Boba lost the eye in a prison shiv-fight over who owned a box of AOL floppy discs that had come in the mail. Boba said that because he had an ownership stake in AOL at the time, they were his, even though the envelope had been addressed to his cell mate. To be honest, I'm not buying that one, since it has been proven that he's never been in prison, which takes a lot of the wind out of the story.

The only possible story that remains, therefore, is the truth, that (and I have to warn you, you're going to hear this and go all...DUH! Of COURSE!) he's the inspiration for "Ralphie," the kid in "A Christmas Story," and actually shot out his eye with a BB gun. It's true, bitch. I swear.

Let's look at the proof.

1. Boba Pitt is missing an eye
2. The kid in the movie accidently shoots himself in the eye
3. "A Christmas Story" was written by Jean Shepherd, who by the way was NOT Edith on the hit TV show "All In the Family," but actually a guy who we know for certain, had DICKS for parents. Jean Shepherd was a radio guy. Yea, see? Drink it in, Rudolph - THAT'S proof. 

Little trivia here...When they were making "A Christmas Story," they wanted to hide Boba Pitt's involvement, so they were trying to change the whole BB gun to the eye thing. There are actually several scenes filmed that involved Ralphie accidently discharging the pellet gun at Darren McGavern, hitting him with a killer crotch shot. The catch phrase flor that version of the movie was "Be careful, or you'll shoot your Dad's nut off!"

Obviously, the test audiences didn't care for that approach as much, and it was shelved, but the story lingers that when McGavern died, he did so with a single BB still lodged in his left testicle.

So remember that, and as you celebrate this Holiday Season, whether it's Boba Pitt's eye, or Darren McGavern's ball, one time or another, ALL of us make sacrifices this time of year.

Ho Ho Ho Hogan OUT!

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