Saturday, January 17, 2009

We're in the newspaper


I know, you're thinking "there are still NEWSPAPERS out there?"

Well, at least in New York there is, and the New York Post has earned a big fat bitch-slap from the Hoganator with this piece of crap I came across while downloading Friday's Garfield.

Clear Channel Plans Revamp.

I guess the cat's out of the oven. Tuesday is the day...AFTER MONDAY!

LOL! Snap!

There are numerous errors in the story.

A precise headcount for the layoffs could not be obtained. Clear Channel has about 30,000 employees worldwide.


Right. 30,000 employees. Come on! I've never counted everyone. I mean, I tried one time, but they all kept moving around, so I'd count some of them twice and would have to start over. Then, Mark kept screwing with me by saying things like "four hundred eighteen, two thousand eight hundred and seven, twenty-nine..." Annoying. I hope he's one of the ones who gets fired.

Sources said an initial round of layoffs is expected to commence next Tuesday - not coincidentally the same day President-elect Barack Obama is to be sworn into office. Clear Channel managers are hoping they can slip in the layoffs while the press is preoccupied with Inauguration Day festivities, sources said.


LOL! Barack Obama?! That Hawaiian guy? Get a grip. We're doing it all on Tuesday because American Idol is on that night, and everybody will be too busy watching those idiots who can't sing, but think they're going to be the next American Idol to care about some DJs getting the boot and having to go back to selling drugs for a living.

To be sure, Bain Capital Partners and Thomas H. Lee Partners took a hard look at Clear Channel's expense base in the due diligence phase of their $17.9 billion acquisition, and identified hundreds of millions of dollars of costs that could be taken out of the company. While they always planned to restructure the company, sources said that the soured economy forced them to expedite the timeframe for the cuts.

Well, I can't refute this part. Mainly because I'm not sure exactly what "refute" means, but we are cutting some expense. Like free toilet paper. I think what this means is, if you're an advertiser, and one of our salesmen come into your business, whatever you do, do NOT shake hands with him.

No charge for that advice.

I can't lie (well, I can, I suppose, but this blog is my truth-out, so I won't). We are firing some people, but it won't be as many people as you might think. In fact, after much consideration, many meetings and a session with a really, really good phrenologist, I've decided on the final criteria for termination in this difficult time:

If you drive a Pontiac Trans-Am (any year) or are a male named "Carl," you are fired as of Tuesday.

If your name is "Carl" AND you drive a Trans-Am, you will be beaten with a pool cue on your way out, and will receive no severance pay at all. The local HR Director will do the beating, so if your HR person is small, or kind of squeamish about beating people up, consider yourself one lucky bastard, Carl.

Now, many of you are probably asking yourself "why should the Carls among us bear the brunt of this economic downturn? I LIKE Carl. He helped me change my tire once, always pays a little more than his share at Chilis when we go there for someone's birthday, and after all, drives a Trans-Am! Why him?"

I'll tell you.

Because we've been in this industry for a long time, we know what we're doing, and Carl is a douche-bag.

Hogan out.

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